32 years of learning that I am have a very quirky, fun, creative, sense of humor has led me to this. Writing a damn blog on google that I hope that somebody out there will read. Or maybe they will take it up a notch and peruse my thoughts......
I find myself here alone in my bedroom and my mind races around into 100's of different doors every night. One night I am wondering why my entire body can work together like it does when every single of the trillion cells in my body all are alive and working on their own. Pretty cool eh? Ok.......I know I am not the tallest guy. Maybe not a trillion cells. But at the very least 900 billion. Give me that.....
Anyways...... just as soon as that image runs through my lightspeed of thoughts I am wondering why in the hell they make Capri Suns like they do..... I mean get real here. How about we take the Capri Sun and break it down. First off......it is delivered in an oblong box that is VERY thick cardboard. You need pliers to open the damn thing. The reason it is so thick is that it is full of metal. Yes my friends. Metal. You get a metal baggie thing full of juice... well actually several of them. Don't kid yourself..... Tinfoil is metal....and it is sharp....... and it will cut you.....and you will bleed from a kiddie drink if you are not careful. Actually this is like tinfoil on steroids. This is not the tinfoil that your grandma wraps her green bean casserole with. This tinfoil is on the DOD's inventory list.
And what do these genius' give you to drink out of your fake metal canteen? An f'n plastic straw. Not even a real straw. This straw is a half-breed. His dad was a regular cola straw and his mom was one of those little coffee stir things that doesn't even deserve to be called a straw. So Capri Sun runs this straw down the assembly line to the sharpening blade and creates a sharp pointy edge on it........ then they glue it to the side of the metal pouch.
Once you have paid for your box full of metal pouches filled with fake juice and sharpened dagger straws.......it is time for a drink my friends.
Grab a pair of pliers and open the box. Choose a Strawberry Kiwi Chrome pouch out of the box and remove the glued dagger.......errr straw. Now for the fun part of the whole thing. You get to stab the pouch. It is almost demented the way that you have to do this. You literally have to push all of the juice up to the top of the metal pouch so that you can see the bullseye. Then you literally have to stab the straw in it. Just pushing it does not work. You have to actually hinge at the elbow and use a sharp, angular, downward stab to get the inbred straw into the pouch. If you put too much pressure on the pouch to do this.......well you get strawberry in one eye and kiwi in the other.
Now to enjoy the juice. Take two swigs and it is GONE..... Yes my friends, all of that work and the damn pouches hold only maybe two full drinks of fake juice. Is it really worth of this????
Oh yeah.......... they do market this for our kiddos.
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